Untangling ‘BIG Feelings’ - Understanding the Complex World of Children’s Emotions

‘BIG Feelings’ is a term often used to represent uncomfortable, unhelpful feelings and how I usually describe as more significant than our ability to manage them.

A child once told me, “It feels like I am a robot, and my feelings have the controls.”

This notion can help professionals, parents, and caregivers understand and navigate the complex world of children's emotions - especially concerning the behaviours that may be attached.

I’m sure many of us grew up with the idea that feelings are either positive or negative, good or bad, with happiness and excitement usually seen as the most ‘wanted’ and accepted feelings.

However, some children can feel these ‘happy’ emotions so intensely that they can become just as unhelpful as feelings of sadness, anger and fear.

For example, many children are all too aware of becoming ‘overexcited.’ For some, this may look like ‘being silly’ with their friends in class, taking a game or playing ‘too far’, and maybe not knowing when to stop or how to transition—usually resulting in them getting in trouble.

The truth is that there are no good or bad feelings; every feeling is okay, and they ALL play an essential role in keeping us safe and looking after us.  Any emotion can show up as a ‘BIG feeling’ when we don’t look after them, and we ALL experience ‘BIG feelings’ occasionally.

They feel intense, confusing, and uncomfortable, and they can be as difficult for adults as they are for children, but this rollercoaster of emotions makes us human.

That said, none of us want to be experiencing them too often!

We refer to this ‘rollercoaster’ as our internal ‘Feelings Volcano.’

When we have good Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Regulation, our feelings tend to come and go, only bubbling up when something big, uncertain or unexpected happens.

Feelings must be felt, heard and truly listened to before they can be released.

If this doesn’t happen, the feelings come and stay, blocking the exit and resulting in everything that follows piling up.

It feels like a volcano, bubbling up inside until we erupt, and when we erupt with BIG feelings, we are no longer in control.

This is important to remember when supporting your children.

• Firstly, separate the feelings from the behaviour and ALWAYS support the feelings first. Remember the robot and the feelings of having no control. This will feel very scary for your child; they need you to help them feel safe, loved, seen, and supported. Please help them feel calm and connected again by offering soothing, comfort, and reassurance. Be the calm to their storm. 
• Name the feeling and validate it. Empathise with your child, showing them you understand and validate their feelings. I can see that you are feeling…” “It’s okay to feel this feeling,” “Sometimes I”, or "Other children feel this too.”
• Reassure them that you are on their side, that you want to help them and that you are there for them and their feelings.
• Now that they feel calmer and more connected, you can discuss what happened, why, and what they can do next time they feel this way.  
• Try to use every opportunity as a chance to learn and grow.

Remember, it’s never the feeling that is the problem. The thoughts or behaviours attached to the feeling are often unwanted and arise because your child’s internal volcano erupted, entirely out of their control.

For any of us to be able to manage our internal Feelings Volcano, we must be able to:

• Notice and Accept every feeling as it comes.
• Feel equipped with healthy ways to Manage our feelings.
• Be able to Express our thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and wishes effectively so that we can SHINE from the inside out!

SHINE stands for Self-awareness, Healthy habits, Independence, Nurturing qualities and Emotional intelligence.  We help make BIG feelings child-size, supporting children in learning how to N.A.M.E. their feelings in healthy ways, which stands for Notice, Accept, Manage, and Express.

Through our award-winning curriculum, children become a Feelings Detective® with you as their Emotional champion! It’s all about having fun learning and growing together whilst equipping yourself with the tools you need to help your child SHINE through any storms they may face as confident, resilient, and content young people. For further information or to book your FREE Initial Consultation today, please visit www.sunnykidsshine.com.