Myth-Busting Self-Regulation: What it Really Means For Children

Myth: Babies and Young Children Can Self-Regulate

One of the most common misconceptions is that babies and toddlers are capable of self-regulation. When a baby is left to "self-soothe" by crying themselves to sleep or a toddler ceases having a tantrum after being reprimanded or placed in time-out, this is often misinterpreted as self-regulation.

Reality: It’s Not Self-Regulation, It’s Survival!

In reality, what is actually occurring is far from emotional regulation at all but instead a child's stress response. Babies and young children are not developmentally equipped to regulate their own emotions. Instead, they rely on co-regulation, where a caregiver helps them navigate their feelings through comfort, validation, and connection. When a child stops having a meltdown in response to repeated time-outs or ignoring, it’s not because they’ve learned to regulate their emotions. Instead, they’ve learned that their cries will not be answered. This is a form of learned helplessness rather than true emotional resilience.

Myth: Tough Love Teaches Self-Control

A common belief is that through enforcing “tough love” strategies—like ignoring cries, demanding children “calm down,” or using punishment—they will learn to control their emotions independently. While this may seem to work in the short term but enforced compliance can have lasting negative consequences on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

Reality: They Might Not Stop Loving You, But May Stop Loving Themselves

Enforced compliance refers to a situation where children outwardly obey rules or suppress their emotions due to external pressure, fear of punishment, or repeated negative consequences, rather than developing genuine self-regulation skills. While it may appear as self-control on the surface, it is actually a coping mechanism driven by stress, fear, or the need to avoid conflict. This type of compliance does not foster emotional resilience; instead, it teaches children to suppress their emotions, which can lead to long-term difficulties in emotional regulation, relationships, and self-worth.

Myth: Children Just Need Positivity and Pushing

Some believe that simply maintaining a positive attitude or even encouraging children to be positive and "push through" challenges will be enough to build self-regulation. For example, when a child is upset and struggling to come into school, the teacher may say, "Come on, you're fine, you will be smiling as soon as you see your friends, we're going to have a good day." While optimism and perseverance are valuable traits, self-regulation is not developed through sheer willpower or forced independence. 

Reality: Co-Regulation Builds True Self-Regulation

This experience is another example of enforced compliance. Just because a child stops crying doesn't mean they stop feeling. The message the child received from the teacher is that these feelings aren't welcome, so they learn to suppress them and stop expressing these emotions in this setting. This often leads to 'masking' and something called After-School Restraint Collapse. (For further information on this, please read my article featured on Netmums https://www.netmums.com/back-to-school/mindful-emotion-coach-explains-why-kids-are-so-dysregulated-after-school-and-how-to-help-them-cope) True self-regulation develops over time, as the brain matures, and with the consistent presence of responsive caregivers. Through repeated experiences of being comforted and guided, children gradually internalise these strategies and develop their own self-regulation skills.

For example, when a child has a meltdown and throws a brick because they can't build a tower, as it keeps falling - instead of isolating them in a time-out, a caregiver can:

• Offer a comforting presence
• Acknowledge their emotions (e.g., “I see you’re feeling frustrated right now”)
• Help them find a way to express themselves and manage these feelings more healthily (e.g., saying, "I feel...," asking for help, taking a break and doing something else)

Over time, these experiences shape a child’s ability to manage their emotions independently.

Final Thoughts

Expecting children to “self-soothe” or handle emotions independently is not only unrealistic but can also lead to emotional suppression rather than healthy self-regulation. This can also have detrimental long-term effects on their mental health and well-being. The ability to regulate emotions is not something that children will innately develop or something that they can achieve on their own. Instead, through consistent co-regulation, parents and caregivers can help children gradually develop the tools they need to manage their emotions healthily and adaptively. 

Researchers have identified three basic strategies for co-regulation, which are:

• Positive Relationships – Provide a warm, responsive relationship where children feel respected, comforted and supported in times of stress and confident that they are cared for at all times.
• Enabling Environments – Create an environment that makes self-regulation manageable, structured in a predictable way that is physically and emotionally safe for children to explore and take risks without unnecessary stressors.
• Learning and Development – Teach self-regulation skills through modelling, suggesting strategies, providing frequent opportunities to practice, and scaffolding to support children to use self-regulation skills. 

Overall, emotional regulation is a learned skill that evolves over a long period with experience, support, and practice. Even as adults, we still experience times when things just feel too overwhelming, and we “lose it” temporarily - even with our years of practice. Your children's brains and bodies haven't fully developed yet, and won't do until late teenage years/early adulthood. How they develop is more about what we do with them or don’t do, as this will determine how their brains are wired and how strong their self-regulation becomes over time.

The key message is to be patient with your children as they learn this important skill through growing together. Be everything that you want them to become and consistently give them the message, "I'm here, you're safe and (perhaps most importantly)no matter how big your feelings may get, you will never be alone with them."

“Whilst we cannot predict the future for our children, we can equip them with the tools they need to shine through any storms they may face - as confident, secure, resilient and content young people.” — Jodie Smart, Founder and Director of Sunny Kids Shine®.

At Sunny Kids Shine®, we help make BIG feelings child-size. Our holistic approach and award-winning curriculum not only empowers children to become Feelings Detectives® but also provides you with the tools and strategies to be their Emotional Champion. This support helps them SHINE by fostering Self-Awareness, Healthy Habits, Independence, Nurturing qualities, and Emotional Intelligence, guiding them through school and beyond!

For further information or to book a FREE initial consultation, please visit www.sunnykidsshine.com.